- What's the biggest problem students face in English 310? [They
try
too hard.]
- What's the second biggest problem? [They take English 310
because they think that they won't write without "some structure," without
"assignments," without a "class."]
- What's the third biggest problem? [Some of them are much too
rule-governed, enormously self-prescriptive, perhaps selfish, unforgiving, and
obedient and resentful all at the same time.]
- What's the fourth? [Some have no vision.]
- Can you teach vision? [Dunno. Probably not in 15
weeks--though I
can encourage it even if I can't always recognize it.]
- How can I be more creative? [Take your vitamins, preserve
your
health, don't try too hard to be creative, and forgive.]
- How much can you teach me about writing? [Teaching requires
25% professional knowledge and experience, 50% blind, unquestioned
student obedience, and 30% luck; learning requires 59% skepticism, 35%
hard, unrewarded work and drudgery, and 12% faith in a superior Being,
Higher Power, and/or Imaginary Force. I'm not very good with math, but I
see some problems there.]
- Am I teachable? [Dunno. If you're selfish, hard-headed, too
respectful, too groveling, too sincere, too hard-working, too altruistic, too
romantic, too callous, too deliberate, too type B, too type A, too young, too
old, too smart, too dumb, too whatever, then maybe not. Some of the best
writers I know are unteachable--so that's not always a problem--
unfortunately, some of the worst writers I know are unteachable,
too.]
- What do you want from me? [Absolute trust, slave-like
obedience,
kindness, love, small gifts, toys, large envelopes of cash in unmarked
bills.]
- I don't like sharing my work with others before it's totally finished.
[Too bad.]
- I worry about being wrong. [Too bad.]
- I want people like you to tell me what to do with this thing I've written.
[Never listen too hard to what anyone says you should do to
something you've written; always pay close attention to what they omit,
where they got stuck, where they sigh, where they wipe their eyes in
tears.]
- How much do I need to rewrite? [Dunno. Never rewrite
anything
if you think that rewriting is punishment or if you just want to be
perfect.]
- What's the difference between "academic writing" and "creative
writing"?
[Probably subject-matter. It has less to do with "style" than most
people think. It has more to do with how much you want to say, how hard
it is to say, how critical you want to be, how big your bluffs are, how much
you care about what others think. It also has something to do with "Truth"
too--but that's messy and obvious and vague and absolutely no help to
anyone.]
- Can I say "shit" and "fuck"? [Obscenities, cursings, references to
hell and damnation, and descriptions involving body parts and body
secretions (including snot, diarrhea, puke, vomit, smegma, mucous, drool,
and piss) are risky shock ploys. Sometimes they're necessary; mostly, they
wear-out
quickly and make writers look young and foolish.]
- I want to write this paper about grandma. . . [Good, but you
get only one of those every four years. Grandpas are good only in leap-
years and then only if they do more than tell stories and give you neato
advice.]
- I want to write about my dead dog. [You get only one of those
every 10 years.]
- I want to write about my dead cat. [Don't write about cats
unless
you have to or unless you're just about to write about cute babies, the joys
of parenthood, the national debt, Hillary Clinton, or the dangers of child
abuse.]
- All's I want to write about is myself. [Good, I suppose. That's
all
anybody writes about. Some just camouflage it better and have more to say
about other things.]
- I have nothing to write about. Tonight, I'm sitting in front of my blank
screen and thinking I could write about how I'm going about writing this
dumb essay. [No, don't do that.]
- I want to write stories stories stories. I want to put it all in
chronological
order and show not tell. [Do more than that, please.]
- I want to save the best for last. I want to keep you guessing. I want
you
to wonder what I'm up to. [Don't do that. If you've got a point, say
it and get no with your discussion. Never save good ideas or keep them
secret. Use up whatever you got and find more good stuff.]
- I can't write if I'm not in the mood. [Too bad.]
- I can't write if I'm not on controlled substances. [Sigh.]
- I can't write without experience. [Sigh.]
- I write to find out what I'm thinking. [Sometimes; sometimes
that's just a cop-out, though.]
- I can't write if I don't know what I'm thinking. [Sometimes;
sometimes that's just a cop-out, too.]
- I'm afraid I've got nothing new to say. [Nobody has much new
to
say, do they?]
- I can't spell. [That may be an observation; but it's not an
excuse.]
- I hate to read. [Lack of curiosity is an absolute deadly
sin.]
- I can't I can't I can't. [Snivel snivel.]
Got other questions or observations?
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