Matthew Deegan
I am in for the money, the power, and the women. That is why I am running for secretary. I wanted a job that was relatively easy, that had a good income, and an office. I would have run for vice president of committees because I am a smooth operator, but the political machine. . . well, we all know about the political machine. I am smart, charming, and I am reliable. I've read Foucault, Derrida, and Lacan, and know them like the back of my hand. Have you? Looked at the back of my hand, that is? I have an Oedipal Complex, but that's okay because my mom does not visit much. If you elect me, I promise to take good notes at the meetings. I will also take attendance. When I grow up I want to rule the world.
I think that John Linnell said it best when he said:
No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful. Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful. They want what they're not and I wish they would stop saying, "Deputy dog dog a ding dang depadepa Deputy dog dog a ding dang depadepa."
If you don't vote for me I will take over Ankeny with my ninja robots (the ones with the death ray eyes) and my Stromthurmand troopers. Don't worry, they're really nice guys underneath that cold exterior and they promise not to kill any of the squirrels.
But seriously, folks, let's not talk about issues. About what I believe in. I believe in love. We need more love on this campus.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Ralph Taber, S.P.I. San Dimas High School Football Rules!/